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  melissamuse
 
02:54am 23/02/2011
  “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
Washington Irving
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
01:52pm 19/11/2006
  i think it is time to delete this journal....
i keep coming back to it and getting sad all over again....
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
09:49pm 28/11/2005
  i lost everything i had of ours... of us. my collar...the seashell... our sheets.... everything in my “Chris box”

i made a bold move... i wrote your mother a letter to ask her for some pictures and something of yours to hold.

i tried to use this as a lesson to let go......

weak....
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
09:46pm 28/11/2005
  i went by your house.... the water line is high. i wonder, with your love for adrenaline, if you would have made us stay....

i would have gone through this with you... come hell, or high water...

i miss you, still.........................
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
time 
  melissamuse
 
10:31am 17/07/2005
 
mood: angry
next month will pass away three years since you left. there is no book of mourning to guide me the way i guided you through bardo. but i know i am better, half healed, half hearted again. in the past, since you have gone, i have withdrawn from every touch and every potential. when feelings in me stirred, i went crawling back to you. i took out what i call my "Chris Box", your wooden cigar box filled with old trinkets of us...my collar, a seashell and a few other little things that were us. i remember and i remind myself that you were my karma, the validation that i am not to have all that i desire. and, worse, that i will only hurt those with whom i try as i have always done...though none as terminally hurt as you. through the years i accept more and more that what you did was not my fault, though i always know i was the lead character on the stage of your life. do i want the responsibility of that role again with another? i just don't know, but i think i may attend the try-outs.
i have been explored and exploring someone new. only a few days, but i did not take out your box. i have thought of you, of course; it is only human, i suppose. and i have talked to you...to the air in my room, sometimes cursing you for leaving me, broken and alone. other times i have asked if you understand that i should move on with my life. you released me in the most tragic way the moment you pulled the trigger. there is little closure in that. sometimes i feel you urging me on...lifting me up the same way you would lift my head out of the water and lock your eyes with mine as i gasped for breath. i think i am breathing again, chris.
miss you and love you, i will always. you changed the person i was, some for the better, most for the worse...leaving me literally gun shy and cold, leaving visions in my head no person should ever witness.... yet, having painted my heart with possibility that i just may find again one day. i know, though, there are a few things i need to do to leave this mental house of ours. the most of it is the anger....i have bathed in the guilt since that very afternoon, but i haven't worked through the anger. there are days i am so angry with you that i want to scream and scratch and kick and punch. i have called you a selfish bastard and am awashed with fresh anger when i think of the conversations you had with me about commitment and devotion falling on both sides. only 12 hours you gave me to come back to you and work it out after only our very first argument. you chose to use your power too late and the wrong way. i have come to terms with the pain.....now i need to come to terms with the anger. maybe, if i am lucky, someone with kindness, love and patience will hold my hand and walk me through it...and, then....he won't let go.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
letting go 
  melissamuse
 
11:09am 26/08/2003
  Dearest Chris,

i am letting go. i am not forgetting, for you have painted my life and the colors remaining will forever stain my future. your memory, the memory of us, will reside in a little room in my heart to which the door has been closed and locked. there is no key. it was lost with the scattering of your ashes, perhaps you carry it with you in your next life. visit, if you can. if you've carried with you also the memory of us, however faint it may be, drop by and whisper to me. i've kept my heart's eye open for where you may have taken your rebirth. wondering, with every new bird song and baby's cry, if you have returned close to love's home.
but, in time, that will fade and no longer will i look for you, listen for signs or sigh with the evening breeze in the hopes my sadness will reach you. the hurt will fade, as it has begun to do. the anger will turn to a fond smile of remembrance, as it has begun to do.
life will go on, as it has begun to do.
and love will live here again. its home is sparse now, but it will be redecorated. yesterday's flowers will be tossed into the tide just outside the sliding glass door where the mist is clearing enough to let the sun in through the curtains hanging over the entrance. the fading colors here are turning to new shades, not quite bright, but alive.
and i will live here again, gently with the memory of us kept silently, secretly in its locked room.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
10:10pm 01/06/2003
  Chris, i miss you. i feel so alone wandering through this place without you. still i see you....feel you....in those places of my life we shared. our place along the river....parties.....streets and coffee shops. every week i still drive by your house. someone lives there now.... the light is on at night and i know you did not turn it on. i wonder if they've any clue what you did there. i didn't, that night when i arrived at your house to hold you and be held by you after all the bad words. i slow and imagine the pool and the hot tub...the times we shared there. how you held my head under the water that first time to show to me the control you had over me. and how i hated it. but loved you all the more for it. i have now mourned for you longer than i lived with you and you within my heart.
i cannot get close to another. i am unable to even think of it. i feel damaged and so very alone. how could you come into my life, take my heart and leave with it??
i love you and hate you all at the same time....with a passion that cannot die as easily as you did......
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
03:17pm 05/09/2002
  I held a jewel in my fingers
And went to sleep
The day was warm, and winds were prosy
I said, 'Twill keep'

I woke--and child my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own.

"I Held A Jewel" by Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
 
     

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11 day 
  melissamuse
 
08:00pm 18/08/2002
  i missed the 10th day traveling to DC. here is 11....8/19

O son of noble family, listen without distraction. On the eleventh day the blood-drinking manifestation of the Padma family, called Blessed PadmaHeruka, will emerge from the western quarter of your brain and appear before you clearly in union with his consort. His body is dark red in color, with three heads, six arms, and four legs spread wide apart; the right face is white, the left one blue and the center one dark red; his six hands hold a lotus in the first on the right, a trident bearing three human heads in the middle, and an rod in the last, a bell in the first on the left, a skill-cup filled with blood in the middle, and a small drum in the last; his consort Padma-Krodhisvari embraces his body, with her right hand clasped around his neck and her left hand holding a skull full of blood to his mouth.
Do not be afraid of him, do not be terrified, do not be bewildered. Be joyful, and recognize him as the form of your own mind. He is your yidam, so do not be afraid, do not be terrified. He is really Blessed Amitabha with his consort, so feel longing. Recognition and liberation are simultaneous.
 
     

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Ninth Day 
  melissamuse
 
02:10am 17/08/2002
  O son of noble family, listen without distraction. On the ninth day the blood-drinking manifestations of the Vajra family, called blessed Vajra-Heruka, will emerge from the eastern quarter of your brain and appear before you: his body is dark blue in color, with three heads, six arms, and four legs spread wide apart; the right face is white, the left one red and the center one blue; his six hands hold a vajra in the first on the right, a skill-cup in the middle, and an axe in the last, a bell in the first on the left, a skill-cup in the middle, and a plough-share in the last' his consort Vajra-Krodhisvari embraces his body, with her right hand clasped around his neck and her left hand holding a skull full of blood to his mouth.
Do not be afraid of him, do not be terrified, do not be bewildered. Recognize him as the form of your own mind. He is your yidam, so do not be afraid. He is really Blessed Vajrasattva with his consort, so have devotion. Recognition and liberation are simultaneous.
 
     

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Eighth Day - 8/16 
  melissamuse
 
11:19pm 15/08/2002
  thank you to my dear friends who are also instructing him through bardo. so now comes the bardo of wrathful deities and intense fear, a consequence of his bad karma. a buddhist teacher emailed this morning and told me that, indeed, suicide is one of the most powerful manifestations of the deluded view of the ego-mind and is very serious. it was one of the most wonderful emails i have received and i will be happy to share it with you if you like.

Calling him three times by name, say these words:

O son of noble family, listen without distraction. Although the bardo of the peaceful deities has already appeared, you did not recognize, so you have wandered further on to here. Now on the eighth day the blood-drinking wrathful deities will appear. Recognize them without being distracted.
O son of noble family, he who is called Glorious Great Buddha-Heruka will emerge from within your own brain and appear before you actually and clearly: his body is wine-colored, with three heads, six arms, and four legs spread wide apart; the right face is white, the left one red, and the center one wine-colored; his body blazes like a mass of light, his nine eyes gaze into yours with a wrathful expression, his eyebrows are like flashes of lightening, his teeth gleam like copper; he laughs aloud with shouts of "a-la-la!" and "ha-ha!" and sends out loud whistling noises of "shoo-oo!" His red-gold hair flies upwards blazing, his heads are crowned with dried skulls and the sun and moon, his body is garlanded with black serpents and fresh skulls; his six hands hold a wheel in the first hand on the right, an axe in the middle, and a sword in the last, a bell in the first on the left, a plough-share in the middle, and a skill-cup in the last; his consort Buddha-Krodhisvari embraces his body, with her right hand clasped around his neck and her left hand holding a skull full of blood to his mouth; he sends out loud palatal sounds and roaring sounds like thunder; flames of wisdom shoor out from between the blazing vajra hairs on his body; he stands on a throne supported by garudas, with one pair of legs bent and the other stretched out.
Do not be afraid of him, do not be terrified, do not be bewildered. Recognize him as the form of your own mind. He is your yidam, so do not be afraid. He is really Blessed Vairocana with his consort, so do not fear. Recognition and liberation are simultaneous.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
Day Seven 
  melissamuse
 
11:59pm 14/08/2002
  O son of noble family, listen without distraction. On the seventh day a pure, many colored light will shine in your unconscious mind, and the vidyadharas will come from the Pure Realm of Space to invite you. In the center of a mandala filled with rainbow light, he who is called the Unsurpassable Fully Developed Vidyadhara, Lotus Lord of Dance, will appear, his body bright with the five colors, embracing his consort the Red Dakini, dancing with a crescent knife and a skull full of blood, gesturing and gazing in the sky.
From the east of the mandala he who is called the Vidyadhara Established in the Stages will appear, white in color, with a radiant smiling face, embracing his consort the White Dakini, dancing with a crescent knife and a skull full of blood, gesturing and gazing at the sky.
From the south of the mandala he who is called the Lord of Life Vidyadhara will appear, yellow in color, with beautiful form, embracing his consort the Yellow Dakini, dancing with a crescent knife and a skull full of blood, gesturing and gazing at the sky.
From the west of the mandala he who is called the Great Symbol Vidyadhara will appear, red in color, with a radiant smiling face, embracing his consort the Red Dakini, dancing with a crescent knife and a skull full of blood, gesturing and gazing at the sky.
From the north of the mandala he who is called the Spontaneously Arisen Vidyadhara will appear, green in color, his expression both angry and smiling, embracing his consort the Green Dakini, dancing with a crescent knife and a skull full of blood, gesturing and gazing at the sky.
Beyond those vidyadharas will appear countless crowds of dakinis, dakinis of the eight charnel grounds, dakinis of the three worlds, dakinis of the ten directions, dakinis of the twenty-four places of pilgrimage; male and female warriors and servants, and all the male and female protectors of the dharma, wearing the six bone-ornaments, with drums, thigh bone trumpets, skull-drums, banners made from the skims of youths, canopies made from human skin, ribbons of human skin and incense made from human flesh, with countless different kinds of musical instruments vibrate with music so as to split one's head, dancing various dances, they will come to invite those who have kept the samaya practice and to punish those who have let it degenerate.
O son of noble family, in the realm of the unconscious, the pure innate wisdom, shining with the five colored lights like colored threads twisted together, flashing, vibrating, shimmering, luminous and clear, sharp and terrifying, will come from the hearts of the five Vidyadhara lords and pierce your heart so that the eye cannot bear it. At the same time the soft green light of the animals will also shine together with the wisdom light. At that time, under the influence of confusion caused by unconscious tendencies, you will be afraid and escape from the five-colored light, but you will be attracted to the soft light of the animals. At that moment do not be afraid of the bright, sharp, five-colored light; do not fear it, but recognize it as wisdom.
From within the light all the spontaneous words sounds of the dharma will come like the roar of a thousand thunder-claps. It rolls and thunders and resounds with the warcries and the penetrating sounds of wrathful mantras. Do not be afraid of it, do not escape, do not fear. Recognize it as the play of your mind, your own projection. Do not be attracted to the soft green light of the animals, do not yearn for it; if you are attracted to it you will fall into the animal realm of ignorance and experience the extreme suffering of stupidity, dumbness and slavery, from which there is no escape; so do not be attracted to it. Feel longing for the clear bright light of the five colors, and concentrate one-pointedly on the blessed vidyadharas, the divine teachers, thinking, "These vidyadharas with the warriors, and dakinis have come to invite me to the Pure Realm of Space. Please all give thought to sentient beings like me who have not gathered merit and have not been caught, although until today the light-rays of compassion of so many deities of the five families of buddhas of past, present and future reached out. Alas for one like me! Now all you vidyadharas, do not let me go any lower than this, but grasp me with your hooks of compassion and pull me up quickly to the Pure Realm of Space."
With intense one-pointed concentration say this inspiration-prayer:
May the divine Vidyadhara think of me
and with great love lead me on the path.
When through intense tendencies I wander in samsara,
on the luminous light-path of the innate wisdom,
may vidyadharas and warriors go before me,
their consorts the dakinis behind me;
help me to cross the bardo's dangerous pathway
and bring me to the Pure Realm of Space.



so, my love....this you have now reached is the end of the first part of The Great Liberation through Hearing: showing luminosity during the bardo of the moment before death, and showing during the peaceful bardo of the dharmata.
next will come the wrathful deities.... until now (minus the one day i was angry with you) i have guided you with my voice and my heart....hoping to help you along this path three times a day. i will continue to guide you through the 49th day.... seven times each day. still, i am with you...
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
Sixth Day 
  melissamuse
 
02:30am 14/08/2002
  O son of noble family, listen without distraction. Even though you were shown where the light of each of the five families appeared until yesterday, under the influence of bad tendencies you were bewildered by them, and so you have remained here until now. If you had recognized the natural radiance of the wisdoms of those five families as your own projection, you would have dissolved into rainbow light in the body of one of the five families and become a sambhogakaya Buddha, but because you did not recognize you have gone on wandering here until this time. So now watch without distraction.
Now the five families will appear all together, and what is called the four wisdoms combined will come to invite you; recognize them. O son of noble family, the four colored lights of the four purified elements will shine; at the same time the Buddha Vairocana and his consort will appear just as before from the central Realm, All-pervading Circle; the Buddha Vajrasattva with his consort and attendants will appear from the eastern Realm, Complete Joy; the Buddha Ratnasambhava with his consort and attendants will appear from the southern Realm, the Glorious, the Buddha Amitabha with his consort and attendants will appear from the western Blissful Realm of Lotuses; and the Buddha Amoghasiddhi with his consort and attendants will appear from the northern Realm, Perfected Actions, out of the space of rainbow light.
O son of noble family, beyond those buddhas of the five families, the wrathful guardians of the gates will also appear: Vijaya, the Victorious; Yamantaka, Destroyer of Death; Hayagriva, the Horse-necked; and Amrtakundali, Coil of Nectar; and the female guardians of the gates: Ankusa, the Hook; Pasa, the Noose; Srnkhala, the Chain; and Ghanta, the Bell. The six sages, the Blessed Ones, will also appear: Indra, of the hundred sacrifices, sage of the gods' Vemacitra, Splendid Robe, sage of the jealous gods; the lion of the Sakyas, sage of the human beings; Dhruvasinha, Steadfast Lion, sage of the animals; Jvalamukha, Flaming Mouth, sage of the hungry ghosts; and Dharmaraja, the Dharma King, sage of the hell beings. Samantabhadra and Samantabhadri, the All-Good Father and Mother of the Buddhas, will also appear. These forty-two deities of the sambhogakaya will emerge from within your own heart and appear beside you; they are the pure form of your projections, so recognize them.
O son of noble family, those realms too do not exist anywhere else, but lie in the four directions of your heart with the center as fifth and now they emerge from within your heart and appear before you. These images too do not come from anywhere else, but are primordial spontaneous play of your mind, so recognize them in this way. O son of noble family, these images are neither large nor small, but perfectly proportioned. They each have their own adornments, their costume, their colour, their posture, their throne and their symbol. They are spread out in five couples, each of the five is encircled by a halo of the five coloured lights. The whole mandala, the male and female deities of the families, will appear completely, all at once. Recognize them, for they are your yidams.
O son of noble family, from the hearts of those buddhas of the five families and their consorts, the light-rays of the four wisdoms will each shine upon your heart, very fine and clear, like sunbeams stretched out.
First the wisdom of the dharmadhatu, a cloth of luminous white light-rays, brilliant and terrifying, will shine upon your heart from the heart of Vairocana. In this cloth of light-rays a sparkling white disc will appear, very clear and bright, like a mirror facing downwards, adorned with five discs like itself, ornamented with discs and smaller discs, so that it has no center or circumference.
From the heart of Vajrasattva, on the luminous blue cloth of the mirror-like wisdom, will appear a blue disc like a turquoise bowl face-downwards, adorned with discs and smaller discs.
From the heart of Ratnasambhava, on the luminous yellow cloth of wisdom of equality, will appear a yellow disc like a golden bowl face-downwards, adorned with discs and smaller discs.
From the heart of Amitabha, on the luminous red cloth of the wisdom of discrimination, will appear a sparkling red disc like a coral bowl face-downwards, shining with the deep light of wisdom, very clear and bright, adorned with five like itself, ornamented with discs and smaller discs, so that it has no center or circumference.
They too will shine upon your heart.
O son of noble family, these also have arisen out of the spontaneous play of your own mind, they have not come from anywhere else; so do not be attracted to them, do not fear them, but stay relaxed in a state free from thought. In that state all the images and light-rays will merge with you and you will attain enlightenment.
O son of noble family, the green light of action-accomplishing wisdom does not appear, because the energy of your wisdom is not yet fully matured.
O son of noble family, this is called the experience of the four wisdoms combined, the passage-way of Vajrasattva. At the time, remember your guru's precious teachings on the showing. If you remember the meaning of the showing you will have faith in your earlier experiences, and so you will recognize them, like the meeting of mother and son or like seeing old friends again. As though cutting off doubt, you will recognize, you will recognize your own projections and enter the pure, changeless path of the dharmata; and through that faith a continuous meditative state will arise, and you will dissolve into the great self-existing form of wisdom and become a sambhogakaya Buddha who never falls back.
O son of noble family, together with the wisdom lights, the lights of the impure, illusory six realms will shine; the soft white light of the gods, the soft red light of the jealous gods, the soft blue light of human beings, the soft green light of the animals, the soft yellow light of the hungry ghosts and the soft smoky light of the hell-beings. These six will shine together with the pure wisdom lights. At that moment do not grasp or be attracted to any of them, but stay relaxed in a state free from thought. If you are afraid of the pure wisdom lights and attracted to the impure lights of the six realms, you will take on the body of a creature of the six realms, and you will grow weary, for there is never any escape from the great ocean of the misery of samsara.
O son of noble family, if you have not been shown by a guru's instruction you will be afraid of those images and pure wisdom lights, and attracted to the impure lights of samsara; do not do so, but feel devotion to the pure wisdom lights, sharp and brilliant. Think with devotion, "The light rays of the wisdom and compassion of the Blessed Ones, the buddhas of the five families, have come to seize me with compassion; I take refuge in them." Do not be attracted to the lights of the six realms of illusion, do not yearn for them, but say this inspiration prayer with intense one-pointed concentration on the buddhas of the five families and their consorts:
When through the five poisons I wander in samsara,
on the luminous light-path of the four wisdoms combined,
may the conquerors, the five families, go before me,
the consorts of the five families behind me;
save me from the light-paths of the six impure realms,
help me to cross the bardo's dangerous pathway
and bring me to the five pure Buddha-realms.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
Day Two of the Second Bardo 
  melissamuse
 
11:59am 10/08/2002
  When through intense aggression i wander in samsara,
on the luminous light-path of the mirror-like wisdom,
may the Blessed Vajrasattva go before me.
his consort Buddha-Locana behind me;
help me to cross the bardo's dangerous pathway
and bring me to the perfect Buddha state.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
7/29 
  melissamuse
 
09:54pm 08/08/2002
  Ahh, the drug induced 'sleep of the dead' has really refreshed me. One of my particular shortcomings is that I require a good deal of sleep at times of high stress; and I've not gotten said sleep in the last week or two for obvious reasons. Now that the stress has ended, I can spend less time worrying and sleeping and more time just feeling your love enfold me.

The very first thought in my mind this morning was you. As it was the last thought on my mind when I went to bed. I am -so- enthralled by you, everything about you has grown to mythic proportions.

I am more in love with you than I ever imagined I could be with anyone. More in lust than I believed I was capable. And the thirst to have you as --mine-- grows stronger with every minute. I have never considered myself to be Master of anything or anyone; I am flattered and very very happy to consider myself +your+ Master, and you my abject slave. I find myself torn between the limits of reality and the boundless depths of my imagination as WE freefall together-that, frankly, is the nature of discussion I want to have with you. Where does the vanilla reality of the outside world begin, and where do the walls of WE end?

So much to consider, so much to discuss, so many things to do together, so much love. I have never been richer. I have never been more blessed. I have never before had so many reasons to strive for improvement. I have never before had so much to lose. Summer warned me that I was in a transitional state between living as if I had nothing to lose (and therefore making choices for myself that demonstrated that position) and finding myself with literally everything I've worked so hard to attain in the last few years. Now, she tells me, the hard part is learning how to keep those things. She tells me that the angst in my life for the last three years has been the stress caused by not knowing how to give up the 'nothing to lose' mentality and knowing that to be mature and REAL there are things that one must protect at any cost because of what they represent.

You, are that thing. I had only dreamt of you before. I had only theorized what I would do should I find you; I had only guessed that it was possible and over many drinks and through the smoke of many cigarettes, I explained to my friends that you as a person were possible to find and attain-but it was only theory. Now that the reality of you has materialized, I find myself surprised primarily that you are REAL at all; but also, I realize that I am completely unequipped to explore you in all of you splendor. Being the Central American traveler that I am, though, I'm going to give it one hell of a try! I may not always be 100% successful or as suave as I'd like-and, perhaps that is the thing I am most afraid of. My image has always carried me through the times when I've played three songs completely out of tune with the rest of the band-'Yeah, sure, I meant to do that!'

I have no 'image' to you. You see me for exactly and ONLY what I am. When I stumble and sometimes fall, I am afraid that when I look for you, you'll have vanished as quickly as you've appeared....and that's what I want to discuss.

...With more love for you than there are words to communicate...

C

_____
being the commitment phobe that i was, he was afraid i would lace up my sneakers and run scared. i didn't. but i gave him something to lose.....and something that devastated him when he thought he had lost it.

my Master.....you didn't lose me. i only thought we needed a break to calm ourselves. my home was with you....in your heart and you in mine.
i love you.
i miss you.

lost....
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
7/25 
  melissamuse
 
09:46pm 08/08/2002
  as for me;

who knows? I sit, watching the diamond-studded nighttime sky rotate around me as if I were the center of the Universe. I am; no, -we- are the rotating hands of time as they pass silently across the face of God's wristwatch. Tick-Tock. Tick. Tock.

The fading Grey of another listless afternoon has faded quietly into the void of endless sleep. Walking gleefully into tomorrow and next Tuesday, I have no idea of what it brings-but, for once, I don't really care. Having sat patiently on the rocks of past regrets and indiscretions for longer than there are measurements to describe, I've finally been given a place to call...'mine.' But the possession is less important than the passion that it infers. The dreamtime that comes to me now is sweet; sweeter than chocolate on the palate of the blind. Here, my ancestors speak to me, counsel me, reward me with the gains of my sacrifice and sweat, my tears and blood, the composition of my soul. The very things that I once thought were required as offerings to the minions of the underworld are returned to me threefold. I do not gloat-I bask.

I bake in the endless heat of your love.





You give me-

Peace.

Joy.

Serenity.

And validation. Things I cannot give myself. Once considered unattainable, they now show themselves to be my birthright; I cannot thank you. I can only accept. And I Do...now, and no matter what road and crossing they bring me to, I am swept along on the wings of their hope. I fly. The perspective from the ledge now seems clearer. I can see the bottom, because I have dwelt there. And because I know the rocks below me, waiting for me to fall to my peril, I also know the heights to which I can soar on your strength.

Carry me, butterfly.

C
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
09:43pm 08/08/2002
  Hello, 'me;'
i sometimes signed my emails to him "me"

The pain of sleeping alone was only mitigated by having your collar clutched in my hands as I slept.

Talk about lucky-WE, my love, are lucky beyond all possible imagination. WE have found each other.

Hopefully I'll hear from you later. perhaps if you'd allow me to cook for you...and then wake with you in the morning, it would make me very VERY happy. Consider it an 'order' couched in terms of a request (!)...

I LOVE YOU. So deeply and completely that it hurts me to not share the same breath as you .

Sigh. Love is wonderful.

C

what happened to our luck? why didn't i answer his calls....
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
 
  melissamuse
 
09:41pm 08/08/2002
  Off to bed, again. It's a different place now that it belongs to the We. Larger and much different than what it was before. Strange how I once thought my bed was too small.

I love you. Very very much.

Talk to you in the morning.

Good night. I will be fortunate, indeed, if I dream of you...

C

ohhh, i hope he did dream of me....
and now, i hope i dream only sweetness of him.
 
     

(please share your thoughts here!)

 
The Lake by Edgar Allen Poe 
  melissamuse
 
09:35pm 08/08/2002
  In spring of youth it was my lot
To haunt of the wide world a spot
The which I could not love the less--
So lovely was the loneliness,
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound
And the tall pines that towered around.

But when the Night had thrown her pall
Upon that spot, as upon all,
And the mystic wind went by
Murmuring in melody--
Then- ah then I would awake
To the terror of the lone lake.

Yet, that terror was not fright
But a tremulous delight--
A feeling not the jewelled mine
Could teach or bribe me to define--
Nor Love- although the Love were thine.

Death was in that poisonous wave
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his lone imagining--
Whose solitary soul could make
An Eden of that dim lake.
 
     

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Day 4, Day one of the second Bardo 
  melissamuse
 
09:20pm 08/08/2002
  C followed Buddhism but wasn't the practitioner i am. he felt at home with the philosophies....
the first bardo comes in the moment of death. during a peaceful death instructions are read to the dying person to help him recognize bardo and the state of liberation. he will be prepared to realize his mind and his self is the white light and that he is the Ultimate Reality. if he is able to do this he will attain liberation and remain in the clear light forever.
few do, however. instead they are pulled down into the second bardo, the Secondary Clear Light seen right after death. no one was with him to give the next set of instructions, urging him to recognize himself as the light. being unpracticed and in the state of mind he was in, i am, in my own way, helping him by telling him to "meditate upon the Great Compassionate Lord." i hope we still have a connection.



Offering for the Dead


Om Ah Hum,
maia
 
     

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